And then life changes. . .

       Between work and play, Tom and I have been struggling to learn and balance all the infertility and IVF information being thrown our way. Plenty of times we pity ourselves. This journey seems like the most important thing in our lives and surely the world. We are the most unfortunate.

       Then on October 9, 2018 Tommy's sister, Melanie, passed away from a sudden hemorrhagic stroke. And for the next two weeks our world ground to a halt. Later we discovered she had a pre-existing condition, unbeknownst to even herself, called an arteriovenous malformation (AVM). In Melanie's case, the AVM ruptured and caused the stroke that took her life. Her husband, Alex, came home from work to find her. In attempts to reach Melanie's parents, Tommy and I received strange calls and in the end I made a call to Alex and got the horrifying news. We proceeded to inform Tommy's parents and then wait to hear more. 

     Suddenly, all of our problems and concerns became so small. Everything thrown back into harsh perspective. The grief is still overwhelming. Our world became about how to get south to family and how to begin comprehending that Melanie is truly gone. How do you carry on your normal tasks in the midst of so much chaos and sadness? I still needed to order my IVF medications, make sure to take my birth control, and figure out how to put off everything else that had been on our calendar. None of it seemed important anymore. To be honest, a lot of it still seems unimportant. In a way I feel stupid for even worrying about our situation in life. 

      The grief my husband, his parents, and his siblings feel cannot be put into words. I still cannot think of her husband without my chest tightening and fighting back tears. Here I want to get out some of my feelings. 

      Melanie meant more to me than I ever let her know. I will always regret that. When I began dating Tommy, Melanie was also attending Oregon State University. This made meeting her first relatively easy. Of course, I had heard about each member of the family from Tommy, but this still did not prepare me for meeting her. She was a graphic design major. I do not do art. I may try, but usually it falls short. I was worried that we would not click because of the difference in our personalities and interests. I could not have been more mistaken. 

      Melanie was immediately warm and welcoming. My nervousness immediately faded away. Tommy had a cool sister! I do not have any biological sisters, only two brothers. My sisters would be best friends and/or my sister-in-laws. There is no guarantee about family. From the moment we met, I knew that in Melanie lay a future friend and sister. 

      My love for her only grew from there. Everyone says you are not supposed to have favorites when it comes to family. Melanie was my favorite. For a long time, I did not feel welcome in Tommy's family. I felt like an outsider who was stealing one of their boys. I come from a super extroverted, loud, hug and love everyone upon first acquaintance type of family. Tommy does not. I felt so different and unwelcome. At least when I evaluated the situation. Melanie never made me feel like that. She was the first to welcome me and make me feel at home. She always wanted to know what I had been up to, how life was going, etc. She would make a point to come over and sit beside me at family gatherings to chat. We would talk sports, Oregon State, craft projects, work, anything that came to mind. She and Alex loved to play board games. Tommy, Alex, Melanie, and I were always down for games. 

      I love Tom with all my heart. I would have stuck around for him anyway, but Melanie and Alex were one of the only reasons I was willing to attend as many family gatherings as we did in the beginning of our relationship. As mentioned above, she always made time to catch up with me. Then, between gatherings, she would send me texts fairly often. Especially as I suffered from infertility and work problems. She always wanted to check in and know how I was coping. This gave me a chance to hear about her life and problems, but she was the one who knew how to truly love and care about another. I was not surprised to see so many people at her celebration of life. People talking about how she touched their lives for the better. (To be clear, things with Tommy's family are much, much better for me now.)

      My biggest regret is that she will not be having kids around the same time as Tom and I. This was something she and I had spoken about every once in awhile. We were excited that our kids would have cousins around the same age. While mourning her death, I even contemplated ceasing our efforts to conceive. Something we've been working towards for so long and already paid for I was wanting to stop. We were supposed to have children together! Now my children will fall into an awkward age gap between the niece and nephews we already have and whatever children Tom's youngest sister has in the future. This is painful in a way I just cannot explain to others. 

      Melanie leaves a gaping hole in my heart. She worked a lot and spent much of her free time traveling or being with Alex. I know this led many of us to allow that distance and not press for more time together. At least for Tom and myself, we just assumed they wanted to keep to themselves. We drove past their exit and their house too many times for me to count as we headed down to my parents' or to see the rest of Tom's family. Never bothered to even see if they were free. Just assumed they would be busy. I will forever hate myself for not forming a stronger bond with her. To make the effort to see them. She now gives me the opportunity to try harder in my other relationships. To try not to take people for granted. There is limited time in this life. 

       I know this has not effectively expressed what Melanie meant to me. It is not an eloquent tribute. That's not something I excel at. I just needed to get some of my feelings and words down. These last two weeks, I've had moments to grieve, but have tried harder to be strong and stable for Tommy. 

      Melanie, you mean more to me than I can express. I will miss your smile and your laugh. Your warmth and love. We will mourn the loss of our late-night gaming partner. I will forever weep for the loss of a sister. One who chose, immediately, to make me feel like family. 

      --Katie